I am the sum of my experiences; and as such, I suck.
I hadn’t been planning a trip to the dentist, but I had searing face pain when eating/drinking cold things, then biting down on a sandwich, then a constant & growing pain no matter what else was happening.
And now I have a massive hole in my jaw, after the offending tooth (now just an enamel shell) was prised out.
Today I held my wet washing over my face while I wept, trying to block the noise. It just all came together badly this week.
I started thinking about relationships, and here’s the gut-crunchingly honest timeline:
- 1980: first kiss, age 8 – rapidly followed by…
- 1980: first simulated sex – a family friend, 2 years older than me.
- 1980: first oral sex.
- 1981: at this point so hyper-sexualised that everything was fair game – made to be the Sex Doll that laid on its back while allowing eight 12yo boys to take turns to “rub up against [me]”. I was reading comic books while this was happening.
- 1982: first gossiped about – by 13yo boys who couldn’t have known, but…
- 1982: first labelled a [fat, ugly, nasty] lesbian/cunt for declining a boy’s invitation.
- 1984: first raped.
- 1985: first & last anyone labelled “boyfriend”; it was a classmate in Grade 9, when I was 13, and it only lasted 6 weeks. He told me he wanted to spend more time with his friends, and I was bored (because he was timid about holding hands!).
- 1986: last raped
- 1999: last Tender Caress
- 2003: last time I was assaulted/labelled a “fat lesbian” for declining an offer to “come back to mine”
- 2005: last shag
- 2005: last kiss (different guy)
After eleven years without (at the very least) physical contact with a non-relative/-medical professional, my soul is craving intimacy.
44 years of abject loneliness.
So glad it’s going to be over.
(© Tender Caress, Wayfair)