… Intimacies

Today I held my wet washing over my face while I wept, trying to block the noise. It just all came together badly this week.

I started thinking about relationships, and here’s the gut-crunchingly honest timeline:

  • 1980: first kiss, age 8 – rapidly followed by…
  • 1980: first simulated sex – a family friend, 2 years older than me.
  • 1980: first oral sex.
  • 1981: at this point so hyper-sexualised that everything was fair game – made to be the Sex Doll that laid on its back while allowing eight 12yo boys to take turns to “rub up against [me]”. I was reading comic books while this was happening.
  • 1982: first gossiped about – by 13yo boys who couldn’t have known, but…
  • 1982: first labelled a [fat, ugly, nasty] lesbian/cunt for declining a boy’s invitation.
  • 1984: first raped.
  • 1985: first & last anyone labelled “boyfriend”; it was a classmate in Grade 9, when I was 13, and it only lasted 6 weeks. He told me he wanted to spend more time with his friends, and I was bored (because he was timid about holding hands!).
  • 1986: last raped
  • 1999: last Tender Caress
  • 2003: last time I was assaulted/labelled a “fat lesbian” for declining an offer to “come back to mine”
  • 2005: last shag
  • 2005: last kiss (different guy)

After eleven years without (at the very least) physical contact with a non-relative/-medical professional, my soul is craving intimacy.

44 years of abject loneliness. 

So glad it’s going to be over. 

(©  Tender Caress, Wayfair)